in the Hands of the Potter: why

Thursday, August 16, 2007

why

I cried today.
I thought I would never do that. Usually I don't have a problem separating my emotions from my patients'. Work is work, and death is an aspect of life. I've had patients die before, and while I've felt sad, I didn't reach that point where it made me cry.

Maybe because I was tired. Maybe because I felt emotional anyway. But I have a patient that I've been following for over two weeks now. He is the sweetest guy, never complains unless he's in extremely severe pain. I've gotten to know him and his wife, and I've come to find out that they are Christians. I can't go into details about what's wrong with him, but I've been very involved in trying to figure out what's going on. It has been a long process, very frustrating, because we haven't been able to figure it out. Until now. Again, I can't go into details, but the end result will not be good. I talked to his wife today, and she was crying. I prayed with her (I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to do that!) and then she cried some more and hugged me. And I just couldn't help it. Tears sprang to my eyes too. The hurt and grief was so evident in her.

And even though we both know Jesus, and we both know that He is ultimately the One who gives and takes life, it doesn't change the hurt. It doesn't change the suffering. It doesn't remove the questions of "why, Lord," that are so prevalent in these situations.

I recently heard a message about grief by one of the professors at Elim. After going through the painful loss of his daughter and baby granddaughter, he came to the conclusion that one of the ways (he has pinpointed five different ways) to promote healing is to stop asking those "why" questions. Stop wondering "what if" or trying to figure out what God was doing. He is the Sovereign One. And ultimately, focusing on those questions really only keeps your eyes on the worldly, carnal things.

And yet, I want so much to understand why these things happen. In my own life, I've come to see that when I question God about why He allowed my best friend to suffer and die at age 22, the sorrow and grief come rushing back. It's amazing how quickly I can start to feel broken down and abandoned when I think that way. Maybe the best thing to do is make an effort to keep that attitude that says, "God I trust you. I know you're Sovereign. I know I can't comprehend your ways, and so I'm not going to even try. I just have to simply believe that You are God." And let it be.

Honestly, I don't know. I don't have the answers. And I know it's a lot easier to say than to do. But I want to choose to believe that my God knows what He is doing. That there is no time where He loses control, and no time where He lets go of me. I choose to believe that.

posted by emily @ 8:15 PM

1 Comments:

At 11:05 AM, Sandy said…

Aww I'm sorry Em :( But that is good advice :/

That actually helps me a lot with something I've been struggling with. Every once in a while I miss my dad like that (a song on the radio reminds me of him or whatever) and I start to ask why. I mean it was like 7 years ago and I know he's in heaven but it still hurts. But it hurts more when I ask why. So now maybe I'll try to just trust in God's sovereignty :)

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