in the Hands of the Potter: May 2007

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Easy night?

I had an easy night planned. Today is Bee and Tom's anniversary, so I thought my mom and I would watch the baby while they went out to a play. We'd go to the LCS chorus concert and then hang out at their house. The baby was great while we were at the concert; she did cry a little, but we took her out in the foyer to calm her down. We thought she might be hungry, so we tried to feed her but she wouldn't take the bottle. Then she slept through the rest of the concert.

Afterwards, we knew she should be hungry, so we kept offering her the bottle, but she wouldn't drink. Just kept bawling, no matter what we did. I pulled over to try again on the way home, because I felt bad, but no luck. Even when we got home, nothing. She was obviously hungry - doing all the right signs. Even when the bottle was in her mouth, she would suck for a second or two, and then start crying again. Eventually we calmed her down to the point where she was too tired to protest anymore, and she drank the whole bottle.

It reminded me of the Christian walk sometimes. I think we can get so worked up thinking things ought to be a certain way, or we should be directed a certain way, that we simply blind ourselves to the fact that Jesus is right there. He has the answers. I can just picture Him sometimes, saying "come on, Em! I'm holding this right in front of you! You keep crying out for peace and guidance, or new insights, and you're so worked up about not finding it on your own that you can't even see that it's right here for you!" I know I do that. I get so upset, thinking "I can't do this," or "I'm not good enough," or "I don't have a calling or any giftings," or "I don't know where I'm supposed to go next." I simply focus on myself. MY thoughts. How I'M not meeting my own needs. And really, if I would just stop focusing on me and look for that still, small voice, He is there. Waiting. Knowing that I will eventually get tired, and have no choice but to wait in His presence, because I have no energy to do anything else.

I don't want to have to wait until I am too tired to protest anymore, like Jordyn was tonight. I pray that God would make me more sensitive to His Spirit speaking to me and leading me. That is the cry of my heart tonight.

posted by emily @ 10:43 PM 2 comments

Thursday, May 24, 2007

What is normal?

Oddly enough, today has been a very interesting day. This morning when I got up, I wasn't looking forward to going to work. One of my patients is basically at the end of her life; she was sent to us from a nursing home and has gone downhill since we've had her. It is pretty depressing and difficult, because nobody seems to want her or know what to do with her, so somehow the burden of it has fallen on me.

Her family doesn't care about her; they won't return our phone calls or come see her. Multiple medical people have come to see her ... neurology, speech pathology, gastrointestinal, etc etc. And nobody seems to want to take responsibility for her care. I have gotten to the point where I'm not sure what to do with her either. I talked to one doctor today who said that basically we need to talk to the family and have them sign some forms that say she doesn't need to be resuscitated if her heart stops beating. BUT we can't get in touch with the family ... so what to do? It's not supposed to be my responsibility (that's the social worker or the psychiatrist's job) but they aren't doing it, so I guess I have to. I've never talked to someone about that kind of thing before.

The interesting thing about today, though, was that for the first time I actually felt challenged. All of the patients I saw had REAL medical problems! They weren't just whining about needing pain meds or wanting to go home. There are challenges - things I need to figure out! And not related to psych issues! And the nursing staff doesn't necessarily know about the issues, so they aren't standing over my head waiting for me to give them an answer. I don't know. I guess for once I felt like a real PA, responsible for people and making decisions and treating people ... and being busy. Without feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. Just ... normal, like this is the way it should be.

I hope it's like that at Highland.

posted by emily @ 9:33 PM 1 comments

I wish...

I didn't have to go to work today. :(

posted by emily @ 6:30 AM 0 comments

Thursday, May 17, 2007

First time for everything

There are certain diseases that we are required to report to the health department. If we get results back from a patient that has these various diseases, we have to call the county and let them know. I've never had to do it before. But today, I got results back from a patient who, ironically, is no longer a patient with us. So I had to track her down (she was at our outpatient therapy group), meet with her, and let her know she has this disease. Call in a prescription to the pharmacy so she could pick it up on her way home. Call her doctor's office and let them know she has this. And call the county to tell them there was an incidence of this disease and yes, it has been treated. Tomorrow I have to find her again and make sure she took the medicine.

Crazy. All this for someone who isn't even my patient anymore.

posted by emily @ 11:15 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Spring

Spring has finally come to western NY. I'm sitting here in my bed, with a vase of lilacs sitting beside me. I love their smell! It has been raining for the past few days; in fact, this morning, I woke up to just a trickle of water coming from the faucets! No showers this morning. :P Apparently, something backed up with the drainage system, so their was no water pressure. They had to come in and tear up the road to get at the pipes underneath. Weird.

I have told most people at my job that I'm leaving. Actually, I haven't told all that many people .... but if a few key people know, they tell everyone else. It has been interesting, though, because nobody has seemed mad or upset with me. I thought it might be like that, because there can be very bitter attitudes in this department. I was afraid that certain people would be angry, thinking they had done something wrong or that "all the good people leave" (I've heard that one already). But people have been very supportive! I'm trying to explain that I'm not leaving because anything bad happened, but because I want to grow in my career. And when it's put gently like that, it seems to go over pretty well.

I still have not called my boss, though. He doesn't work at my hospital; he works at a nearby branch of this organization. In fact, I rarely see him, as the other hospital is about 45 minutes away and he doesn't come in often. To top it off, he is on vacation this week, so I have been fighting with myself all week -- should I call his cell phone and bother him on vacation? Or should I wait until he gets back to work? Deep down inside I know that I should call him. But I haven't quite gotten up the guts to do it yet .... which is very silly and immature of me. I need to just get it over with!

Right now, I have a patient with a disease called porphyria. It's a relatively rare genetic disturbance that can cause many different medical problems .... but it can mimic acute psychotic episodes and schizophrenia (which is why she's on our unit). It's pretty crazy, because no medications help her. She is hilarious, though, because she's super sexually-preoccupied. Today she just about chased me down the hall yelling, "there she is! there she is! I'm bisexual, you know!" I'm glad I got away. ;o)

posted by emily @ 9:57 PM 2 comments

Friday, May 11, 2007

Effortless

I won't try to be eloquent or write well. Mostly because I'm tired and don't want to put energy into making this sound good. But I thought I'd update this blog (shocking, I know) and announce that I'm going to QUIT MY JOB!!

Over the past month or so, I got a call from a friend who asked me if I wanted a job. He works at a nearby hospital in their medicine department, and they were hiring. As I had been having thoughts of leaving my job at some point (frustrated nearly every day), I said sure. He invited me over to the hospital to meet all the other PAs and the docs in the department. So I did. I had lunch with them, chatted, walked around the hospital, and picked up an application. I filled it out, and my friend even stopped by my work to pick it up and take it back to the hospital for me. He talked to people in the department and let me know that they would be interested in me if I was interested in them. I went in and "interviewed" with him ... and he told me that they'd love to have me. I called him the next day and said I was in! They won't be paying me quite as much as I'm making now, but I've come to the place where I realized that my experience and learning medicine is more important than how much money I'm making.

I haven't gotten to the point where I've told my boss or anyone else in the department. I'm not sure how to do it - should I write a letter? Phone call? Meeting? We'll see, I guess. I have to do it this coming week, though, because I have to give a month's notice.

It's been interesting though, because it truly has been effortless on my part. I didn't initiate or work at anything. It honestly just all happened. And I think it's an indication of the will of God. When He is in something, you often don't have to try to make something happen. You may look back and say, "how did I get here?" And you realize that you didn't put effort into something, but it happened without you! That's how I want to live my life. I don't want to be responsible for the decisions I make or the places I go. I want to be completely dependent on Him. I want Him to take care of where I go and what I do, because He is ultimately the One who knows! He is all-knowing. His wisdom is much higher than mine. I'm praying that God would allow me to continue to submit to His will and seek it actively. I praise Him for being willing to work with me, even though I fail so often! Hallelujah for grace. :)

posted by emily @ 10:51 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Updating

Well, I decided to play around with my blog template. All my friends decided to start blogs, and mine looked so boring compared to theirs! (Maybe because it's a year old). I'm keeping the url the same, because I like having all my Zambia posts readily accessible if I want to reminisce. But I'd like to be able to write about other things too, if I feel like it.

I changed the name to "in the hands of the Potter," because I've really been struck my that concept recently. I find that my perspective tends to be one where I am in control and simply supposed to glorify God in the process. But He has been reminding me lately that He is in control. My life is not about decision, it's about discovery. He is the one who has the RIGHT to make me into the vessel of His choice. The design is not up to me. My role in the process is to be open to discovering who He is making me to be. I don't get to choose. I get to allow Him to work.

I have been in a whiny mood all day. I don't know why, but all of my patients seemed to annoy me today! One of them started it off, I think - she has been bawling for two days straight. Claiming she was raped while she was upstairs on the medical floor. Claiming she can ONLY drink Diet Peach Snapple or Minute Maid Fruit Punch ... and ONLY a very limited selection of foods. She just keeps saying over and over "nobody cares about me, nobody's doing anything to help me." And I just got frustrated. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I'm just dead inside (as Chandler would say). But my response to her was "just suck it up and get over it." (I didn't actually say that. But I would've liked to). I realize that she's had some depressing things happen in her life lately. But who hasn't? My life hasn't been all peaches and cream itself. But do you see me bawling like a baby for days on end? I guess maybe that's where the "chemical imbalance" comes into play.

But I think I'm realizing that the grace for this patient population is gone. Every day, I realize it more and more. I am not designed for this kind of work. I thought I was, at first. I thought "this is great. These people need compassion, and I am a compassionate person. Perfect!" They are the needy ones. The ones that Jesus would have spent time with. But you can't be around these types of people all the time without becoming cynical yourself. And I don't want to end up like that.

So I've been looking for a new job. There are some things in the works; in fact, I need to give an answer to a certain place tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to tell them. There are pros and cons to every job and new situation, and I've been waiting for God to drop a flashing neon sign into my lap so I know which way to go. It hasn't happened yet, but I am confident that He has a plan and will reveal to me what I need to know.

posted by emily @ 9:34 PM 1 comments

about me

: Name: emily; Location: United States

Then I went down to the potter's house, and behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.

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