in the Hands of the Potter: Blogging

Monday, June 4, 2007

Blogging

The dangerous thing about a blog is that people read it. Not too many, in my case. But there are days, like today, that I wish nobody read it. I wish I could just write whatever I wanted, without feeling like I need to edit things out because I don't want people to necessarily know who I really am or the things that I think.

In reality, I am an emotional person. I try to hide it, and I've been able to stifle it pretty well (I think) the past year or so. Because it's so easy for my emotions to run away with me. For me to let the way I feel affect how I relate to people, how I even pray for people.

All my life, I have struggled with comparing myself to others. Maybe it's easier for me to do because I am a twin - and therefore feel the need to "prove" my identity. But I constantly think "I'm not as ______ as he/she is." You fill in the blank. You name it, I've thought it. Not as fun. Outgoing. Sensitive. Sweet. Loving. Crazy. Artistic. Spiritual. Theological. Musical. Smart. Funny. The list goes on and on. And I continue to condemn myself for not being those things. I continue to lack the confidence that I am, indeed, made in a unique way for a specific purpose. I simply look at the purposes of others and wonder why I am not made like that. Instead of seeking to find my purpose, or trying to be the best Emily that I can be, I get depressed because I am not someone else. I hate lacking self-confidence. I want to be confident. Sometimes I have it. But what is it about the times that I have it? Why do I have it? And how can I get it back, in those times when I feel worthless?

Why do I feel like this? Why are there struggles in my mind and in my heart that I have been fighting with for years? I have felt that I've had victory in areas in the past. And yet, driving home tonight, I find myself in the same place. A place I never thought I'd have to be in again. As Paul said in Romans 7 (NIV), "...for what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I know the answers. I know that victory is not something I can take for granted, but that I need to continually bring things before the Lord and ask for grace. I know that I have been saved from the sinful nature by the blood of Christ. But then why, why can I not get rid of these same struggles? Can't I have new ones? New ones that don't make me feel this way inside?

I like to have it all together. I want people to think I know things, that I have the answers. But sometimes, like today, I don't feel like I have it all together. I don't even feel like I want to. A little bit later in Romans 8, Paul says "for they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." I want that life and peace. Lord, help me to be spiritually minded.

This is a random post. I don't even think it makes sense. And maybe you know the things that I'm not saying, I don't know. All I know is that I need Jesus.

posted by emily @ 11:24 PM

2 Comments:

At 9:11 PM, Anonymous said…

i come to your blog site every day.
i have many things to say about this post, but want to gather my thoughts before i write them.
i love you em.

aunt myrn
At 6:18 PM, aunt myrn said…

i, too, during my younger years, struggled with many of the same issues. "why aren't i pretty, why aren't i smart like my sister, why am i afraid of everything?" etc., etc., etc. i could go on forever.

in my later years i've come to know that none of it matters.

i realize now that i am who i am. i have a husband who has loved me for 30 years even though i'm not a beauty. i have come to be a successful and well liked manager of a very demanding department, so i guess i'm not as dumb as i always thought i was. and many of the things i was afraid of my whole life have somehow just faded into the woodwork.

you will grow and you will change. and without even realizing it, you will develope a confidence in yourself that will one day blow you away because you won't even be aware that it's happening. trust me em, it will happen.

i love you.

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